Collecting the Pieces

I’ve hit a brick wall. On a scale of pleasant to dreadful, my running has been off the charts bad. I hate judging it this way, but the pure fact stands out that I know how good my running can feel and have consistently experienced quite the opposite lately. It defeats me.

So, I’ve shoved it into a distant corner to collect dust. What a way to deal with life, huh?

And truly, what does that say about me in this moment? In almost seven years, this is the first six-month stretch of suffering. In all of my running, 93% of the time it has been wonderful. If I can run a marathon, why can’t I push through this 7%?

Being human in this life experience is a bitch sometimes.

If I know one thing in life, I know myself. I am fearless, resilient, hopeful, and always ready for a challenge. Perhaps it’s the altitude, the move, being out of shape, or another excuse? These things have never stopped me in the past. I am a runner, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to continue to let this experience dim what has been such a light in my life.

I’m angry. Hurt. Sad. Ashamed at how much I’ve avoided this and shoved it away. But I am ready to forgive myself and move on.

I’m ripping the band-aid off at a half marathon tomorrow for which I’m desperately undertrained, but you had better believe I’m going to do it with a marathoner’s mindset and a smile.

It’s okay to really dig into the bad parts, to experience them fully and just feel. Without them we would have no basis to appreciate the amazing moments that life brings.

So truly, what does that say about me in this moment?

Desert Love Letter

Sand...tiny little rocks. Small sediment and layers of time, slowly swirled into the contours of the canyons. I gaze in wonder at the sharp towers, the steep walls, and the smooth plateaus. Such intricate patterns, carved over time and preserved just for this moment - this contact, soul to soul.

I recognize this landscape.

It’s the smoothness of time sifting through our hands, falling out of reach. The rocky pillars, building up with the silent winds of personal pressure, until we can no longer navigate the caves of our inner voice. The strong boulders falling, forcing us to shift. The sweltering heat of high noon that sends us searching for shelter.

But it’s also the hope in the slight crack of the first light of dawn. The singular bud on a tiny cactus, promising to bloom tomorrow. The sand between my toes, scraping off the skin that no longer serves my body. And the slowly stacked cairns guiding our way. That is, if we can spot them.

Anatomy of a Gift

Tis the season. The sparkling snow, warm cookies, belly laughs, crackling fires, giggling children, family stories, mistletoe kisses...and perfectly wrapped presents. Love everywhere (and *hopefully* mountains of snow)!

I can't remember the last time I was so excited to go home for the holidays. I find myself deeply needing the gifts of the season this year, noticing that some recent days have been harder than others in allowing myself to experience life's gifts fully. Is living itself not the greatest gift we've been given?! Oh the joy of being human! These minds of ours can run us ragged in mysterious ways, and I've had enough of mine small-talking me. 

The beautiful thing is: we can rewrite this script. Stress? Relatives? Money? Travels? We are driving the sleigh - we choose how to react, to perceive, to appreciate the gifts of these teachers.

Each day as I awake into a morning haze, I pause and remind myself that I've never experienced today before. That others will not receive the same day that I am gifted to receive. That I'm in charge of choosing love, joy, and life in the moments to come and fully embracing what arrives.

The effect of this small edit in my day has been building. It brings positive energy each time: the ability to pull myself out of a funk one day, a greater voice to express my love the next, and more. 

What can you allow yourself to receive this holiday season? In what way? No need to overthink it - mini movements are powerful (plus, I hear the best gifts come in small packages!).

Happy Holidays to you and yours - sending love, gratitude, and joy for your 2017!

The Final Puzzle Piece

Eyes closed, body swaying, melody flowing ear to ear...it all clicked. 

In that moment I realized the very thing that had been missing. Just as I had done so many times before, I opened my eyes at the concert. This time, with a glimmering new awareness.

I don't think the artist even made a difference. Nor the breathtakingly beautiful venue. It wouldn't have mattered much what kind of day I had earlier. The catalyst was the pure reconnection to one of my primal needs that had been laying dormant, dissatisfied, and overgrown for far too long.

Music has been a large part of my life from a young age.
I can still recall the anticipation of playing fur elise on the piano from memory, hands dancing on the keys and heart hanging onto the hope that I wouldn't mistouch a key and ruin the chords.

When I see a ring box, I'm taken back to my 16th birthday. Opening the box so slowly, just knowing it held a secret. The rush of excitement when I saw the guitar picks hiding within, and a feeling of relief when I held my Ibanez for the first time. The sorrow I felt when I realized that, despite my determination, I was not cut out to play. That was indeed my first real breakup, and it was painful.

High school years filled with tours, basement concerts, and my best friends serenading each other into the endless hours of the night.

That simple feeling of enjoying the present moment when you close your eyes at a show and know that this is the only time the concert will ever occur on that day, at that venue, with that crowd - each one unrepeatable in its essence. 

Or the comfortable ability to spend time with someone, no words necessary, just an album humming in the background,

Just as I had done so many times before, I opened my eyes at the concert. I felt a rush of simultaneous sadness and relief. Sadness that I had lost touch with myself in such an elementary way, but relief to have realized it.

Ahh, life. It endlessly overcomplicates itself if we allow it to. In reality it's so easy to go back to basics and find the simple joy of living - if we allow ourselves. Cheers to music for being a constant in my life, even in the years that I've failed to recognize it.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to basics - you can find me in my Chucks dancing around my living room to something that moves me <3

On Saying Goodbye

For me, this is never easy. I cling to every last second of a goodbye as if the finality will crush me. Perhaps that's a flaw, the eternal lover's demise. Whether it's a person, a place, or a perspective, I am just plain terrible at goodbye. 

As we leave Denver tonight, I can't help but wonder what is behind my emotion. Leaving this city and its wondrous mountains pains me more each time, but is it more concerning that I haven't missed My New York in weeks? Perhaps further so that I've found myself in this middle state of what-was and what-will-be?

I sigh out anticipation, preparing for my transition out of this sacred place. In the distance, a firework bursts and glimmers to fade out slowly enough that I crack a smile and think fondly back on my weekend.

Goodbyes are never easy, but at least I find comfort in knowing where my heart lies. I gaze out the window knowing that, if it's meant to be, it will be. I know nothing to be truer than this. 

My Art

I recently met a stranger in my travels. We had a lovely conversation about life, love, goals, and good things. We encouraged each other, silently acknowledging the beauty of the connection for a few life moments, and then we went our separate ways. Four words she shared have stuck with me:

"You are so creative!" she exclaimed in our discussion of hopeful future achievements. 

Creative. Weeks later, I still cannot recall the last time someone described me with this word and that thought stings. I went within, thinking deeply into why it affected me so much and why I felt such sadness in the realization of the void. 

The truth is, I think I am vibrantly creative. I am an artist in many ways - an artist who apparently has a confidence problem with her art and needs a little affirmation. How human of me!

And how silly that I haven't recognized the ongoing love and support I receive from friends and family. This support isn't specific because it doesn't need to be. The true problem is that need to get out of my own head.

Sometimes it's nice to hear these things from each other. I want you to know that I love and support you in all areas of life in which you need a confidence boost or a few words of encouragement! 

Stay tuned for the next addition of my art, coming to you in the medium of a yoga class - a carefully crafted sequence of fun and challenging movement, set to the tune of an equally inspired playlist. I'm excited to begin teaching in the new year, and I look forward to connecting next and hearing more about your art as well!

And stay creative, friends ;)

Escape

At its root, I believe that escape is perfectly healthy. Life pulls us in so many directions that it can be hard to gain full perspective and direction without stepping out of ourselves every once in a while to rebalance. Is seeking this release really such a bad thing? The word itself is defined as “breaking free from confinement or control” and who really wants to be controlled 100% of the time? (none of us)

How do you escape? I take no exception to chasing solitude, new projects, emotion, jet setting, comfort of loved ones, exercise, adventure, or the occasional weeklong bender – to me, being human is to crave these necessary retreats.

About a year ago I experienced a similar feeling, and wrote about it in this post:

“They say that you know when you need to get out of New York City. For me, that time was now. So many highs and lows in the past two weeks! Almost too much for a girl to bear, but I will tread onward and upward. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness are never easy but those small pockets of pure joy they bring are certainly worth the struggle.

In a way, recognizing that desire to flee NYC brings me closer to my new city. We know each other more intimately now, and can accept and act on that need to spend time apart.”


I’ve experienced this feeling for the second time now, and I chose to escape. I felt the need to exit, and was on a plane less than 48 hours later. I have never been more excited to come home to the city as I was after that trip, and it was such a wonderful feeling to know that I knew exactly how to take care of myself. The funny thing about being a year older and wiser is that you’ve lived and learned. It’s comforting to know that, even when we feel that our world has become cloudy, our brain and our heart can work together to take us to exactly where we need to be.

I feel liberated and fresh, and with no guilt surrounding my choices. In fact, I’m escaping again in a couple weeks and I couldn’t be more excited! If we know we’ll need it, why not build it in?

Take care of yourself first, and the details will fall into place.

Not Meant for Me.

“Grace under pressure” is one of my favorite life mantras (thanks, Hemingway). 

It is so applicable to many of life’s interactions and I typically don’t choose to reserve it solely for situations of extreme stress. This week I avoided remembering my mantra in a time of need. Tsk tsk – it took me a few days to finally make peace with it but I'm still left wanting my wasted energy back. Ahh, being human.

Tuesday.

7am, getting ready. Checked NYRR site, it says they’ll charge my card before it shows up in my account. Will be notified by 11:59. That’s noon, right? NYRR account notes I’m still in the drawing, no decision. Checked banking, money still there.

9am, at work. Not sure how I made it two hours but time to check again. Still in drawing, money still in bank.

9:30am, maybe now? Still in drawing, money still in bank.

10am, finished a task, time to look. Still in drawing, money still in bank.

11am, NO CHANGE! Still in drawing, money still in bank. :::sigh:::

12:30pm, Nope.

Lather, rinse, repeat at LEAST 10 more times until I give up and stop checking. I finish my work day and head to dinner. Distracted and feeling under the weather that eve, I climb into bed to relax and open my computer.

7:48pm, there it is – the ominously titled email “Your 2015 TCS New York City Marathon Status.”

I didn’t get in. No luck for me in the lottery this year. Again. Strike two. It appears that I’m still on track to run the boroughs in 2017.

When I look at this list I just see ENERGY. I was checking two websites at a time, almost hourly. I’m left wishing that I would have exercised a bit more perspective and spent less time chasing this dream that day. So many other dreams to chase!

When I want something, I throw myself into it. The idea of running this race is very clearly inspiring and meaningful to me but this particular display of energy/excitement/anticipation could have been channeled into something else equally as motivating.

Grace under pressure wouldn’t have wasted her day checking websites for news she had no control over. She would have been entirely too busy making moves in pursuit of her other goals and life passions. When her email came, she wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. She would have called upon that true Cleveland sports fan spirit (“there’s always next year”) to move on to the next order of the day. She would have embraced the fake Buddha quote that you already know I love and realized it wasn't meant for her, not this time. 

I must not forget to be Grace.

And, considering the adventures I have on deck for this year and next, waiting until 2017 sounds just fine to me ;)

Wild.

“Now, I understand” – these words frame my life as I continue to (try to) be present in each day and learn more about myself. Nothing quite compares to the acceptance that your life has become something you’ve never dreamed of, and the concurrent realization that you can no longer imagine it any other way. To me that has been equally frightening and fulfilling.

The past year has been a whirlwind of experience, epiphany, emotion…and fun! 

I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I have always enjoyed spending time alone, whether it be relaxing, traveling, exploring, curling up in a good book, catching some rays, perusing the farmers market, appreciating a great cup of coffee, taking photos, running the park. The list is endless.

But alas, I’m a walking oxymoron. I also crave human connection with friends, lovers, strangers. Exchanging stories, smiles, laughs. Sharing intimacy, jokes, hopes, and dreams. Planning trips, and taking unplanned trips. Just living.

I have to embrace it.

I am wild.

There are times that I need to be free.

The thought of “settling down” has become a foreign concept to me.

I need the open option to drop everything and do something outlandish for the sake of living.

So, I will give in to my wild. I will drink it in, and let it work for my life. 

My personal commandments:

I will express gratitude.

I must remind those that I love how much they mean to me more often.

I crave the sea and I shall not keep myself from it.

I will seek new learning experiences daily.

I must allow my yoga practice to transform my body and open my mind.

I will open my heart to new experiences, and guard it just enough.

It’s not a craving to continuously accomplish the next best thing, or to seek a cheap or unattainable thrill. There is no comparison in my wildness to create those ideals, merely the pleasure in living with joy, loving fully, and never ceasing to explore. These concepts I can stand by – it’s about time I stopped wasting energy wondering why I can’t settle down. This is me.

Wild. Fearless. Ready.

me, wild and free in paradise (Koh Chang, Thailand 2006)

“I had diverged, digressed, wandered, and become wild. I didn’t embrace the word as my new name because it defined negative aspects of my circumstances or life, but because even in my darkest days— those very days in which I was naming myself— I saw the power of the darkness. Saw that, in fact, I had strayed and that I was a stray and that from the wild places my straying had brought me, I knew things I couldn’t have known before.”  -Cheryl Strayed

FOMO

I’m sitting in my hotel room in (surprisingly) non-snowy Ohio…jealous. That ugly green monster crept up and I’m feeling a bit of New York FOMO from afar.

This past weekend I was having a whiskey-induced conversation about how I feel more and more like a New Yorker every day, totally loving it, yet that I also feel a bit frustrated that many don’t consider me “real” yet because I haven’t lived in the city for a year. Me, impatient? Never…

A friend kindly mentioned that, in his humble opinion, your “true” New Yorker status wasn’t necessarily measured in years, but in crises.

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN MY CRISIS! Snowmageddon. Snowpocalypse. My first Nor'easter. The inevitable initiation that tests my grit as it unites me with the rest of the city in misery and glory. Also, I’d kind of love to make a snowman for the first time in decades and enjoy the freedom of a snow day.

But I’m not home. I’m away for the work week, left to deal with this envy alone. Here I am, comparing myself to others – didn’t I just write about NOT doing that?! Yeah, I’m totally human. How easy it is for us to trick ourselves with these things called emotions!

I would never claim patience to be one of my best qualities. I like to think that most of my joie de vivre embodies an inherent sense of urgency and a desire to enjoy each day as it comes.  In this case, I’m glad that I’m a bit jealous right now.

This envy is reminding me to slow down and wait for my turn, and it’s unapologetically forcing me to deal with the fact that today is not my New York day.

It’s so easy to envision things in life exactly how we would like them to play out, and to set that expectation. But it certainly teaches us a lot more when we have to wait for it all to happen on life’s terms (sometimes nothing like that picture in our heads!). Good things come to those who wait…and I will wait, albeit not always patiently.

Times like these teach (if we listen). Stay warm and safe, everyone! And for my own selfish enjoyment, someone please at least make a snow angel for me ;)

Compared to What?

Back in college my favorite Finance professor incessantly asked us these three words as we responded to his problems and questions in class:

 “Compared to what?”

Each time this question was equally shocking yet expected when it touched my ear. I knew it was coming, but it still gave my brain that extra jolt and jitter without fail.


As a late-20-something, I think of these three words ALL OF THE TIME. In a city of so many people/endless options/constant stimulation I've discovered that they help to bring me back down to earth when my head is in the clouds.


We live in a world of comparison and I’ll admit that I am only human – I have these thoughts just like the rest of us. You know what I’m talking about. They begin with hearing others’ achievements, reading articles, watching TV, and simply observing in the world. Then they demonize and slide around in your mind whispering artificial timelines, negative self-talk, and unauthentic aspirations. These demons are personal, professional, and societal and they will drag us down if we let them.

- 27 is the peak running age for females

- Normal people get married by their thirties

- You need to bring home a certain salary by a certain age

- 14 is the optimal age by which to have learned a second language

- Single life is unfulfilling

- Women can’t possibly do (insert word/job title/task here)

If I even consider these thoughts as they relate to my own life, I completely fail them all. But compared to what? Are these even things that I want for myself at this point in time? And who else’s life would I even compare mine against? To my demons, I say:

- I don’t care if I’m 70 at the time – I will run Boston someday and THAT will be my peak running age

- I also don’t care what your version of “normal” is, - I haven’t met the right person and I love myself enough to decide not to marry the wrong one

- I am more concerned with the quality of life my job offers – the money will come someday if I am truly passionate about my work

- It’s too bad that I’m “old” by your standards – It's never too late by my own standards. I will become fluent in multiple languages in my lifetime and I am dedicated to putting the time in to achieve this

- I don’t consider myself to have an unfulfilled life or perspective. In fact, being single has propelled me to experience many life-altering dating epiphanies over the past year that have helped me to feel wiser and MORE fulfilled

- I can do anything I set my mind to, absent of gender (except bench more than my weight– that’s a no go)

Negativity and comparison creep in like fog covering the ground of our minds. Thankfully, all we need is a little mindfulness, reflection, and a change in perspective. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the death of joy.” I choose joy. I know what I want and that, even if I don’t know when I want it, I can trust that things will fall into place with some hard work and a little faith.

So next time you find yourself angry or upset by one such demon, ask yourself the three magic words that Mario gifted to me. Choose joy. Change your frame of reference and remind yourself that you are a beautiful soul without anyone’s constraints (even your own). You are always enough, and you do not need anyone else’s version of your life story fogging up those rose-colored glasses!!!

How Do You Know?

(As you all know) I enjoy talking about my love for NYC. Since I first announced my plans to migrate, almost every person I’ve engaged with has asked me to evaluate my move within our conversation.

Initially most close friends and relatives were not surprised. They knew of my love affair with the city, and most of them guessed that I would easily adapt to such a vibrant, bustling place because many had lovingly dubbed me as “the busiest person they know.” But naturally, the question arose:

 “How do you know that this is the right move for you? Are you scared? Won’t you miss home?”

To be honest, the only thing that kept me from overanalyzing the nagging fear of making a crazy decision was the ridiculous amount of preparation required to make the move actually happen. Just Google “apartment hunting in NYC” and you may get a slight idea of the process. You’re damn right I was scared! I was going all in on a gut feeling – transferring to a new office to live with two roommates in a city where I had no friends, a fear of the dating pool, and no yoga home or running buddies. Essentially, this place was devoid of all things comfortable for me despite all the things about it that I already enjoyed.

At the time, I didn’t know if it was the right move. I was taking a risk, waiting for my next hand to be dealt. I believe in living with intention, so I took a chance.

While on trial, Socrates expressed that “the life which is unexamined is not worth living.” I wholeheartedly agree. Forgive me if it’s harsh to share this, but I believe that it’s pure cowardice to believe in things just as they are in life, as if you have no personal control over the outcome of tomorrow. Thanks to Ayn Rand, my strong and amazing mother, and my insatiable appetite for independence and adventure, I have learned in life that nobody else in this world will bring me success and happiness, and that I am in pure control of (most) outcomes of my actions.

With great power comes great responsibility! At times it can be hard to turn our attention inward. Personally, I love making others happy and caring for loved ones and cherished friends. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that it’s okay to be our own caregivers, and that it’s more healthy than selfish.

New York has not only loved me back, but it has reminded me that the best relationships flourish when we take the time to check in with ourselves. Each of us needs to reflect and realign so that we can bring our best to the world, and New York unapologetically asks me to do so on a daily basis.

So, after almost 5 months in my new home, how do I know?

I just do. You see, it’s not a monumental thing – I don’t feel stronger or prettier or smarter. I just feel genuinely happy (in a way that words cannot express). This city has demonstrated itself as a perfect fit for my current hopes/goals/dreams, and without hesitation I can say that my life is right where it’s supposed to be at this moment.

There is no “how” to knowing this, it’s just something that your heart knows to be true. Suffice it to say I’m genuinely in love with my life for the first time in years, and to me that is more than enough proof.

An Open Love Letter

My dearest New York,

You are the big apple of my eye. From the moment we met, I knew you were going to be very important to me. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I must admit that spending so much time away from you recently has me longing for you like a drunk girl craves late night pizza slices or bodega sandwiches.

You are sweeter than the frosting of a Magnolia cupcake. When we are together, it feels more magical than a subway platform serenade. In all aspects, you truly bring the best of both worlds to our relationship, just like a black & white cookie. I ate one today and shed a tear because it just didn’t taste the same without you (yes, they exist outside of NYC).

I miss our walks through Central Park during “puppy hour,” and the ease at which we avoid Times Square when we are together. You bring out the best in me, and I am forever excited for our adventures and new experiences to come.

No combination of subway transfers, cockroaches, pigeons, or large rodents could keep my love for you at bay. I would climb 500 subway stairs, and then I would climb 500 more just to be with you right now. You are worth every extra penny because you are better than all of the others – there truly is no competition.

I can’t wait to see you next weekend.

With love and longing,

Your only Liz

Be Alone.

“Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.” 

(link: How To Ruin Your Life (Without Noticing That You Are)) 

As I sit here and write today, I am alone. On top of being physically alone, I feel about as alone as humanly possible – I’m sick and stuck in my hotel room for the second day in a row. No need to elaborate or whine, but suffice it to say it hasn’t been a fun start to December. Even if I was at home in NYC, I could say the same thing. Sick or healthy, good day or bad day, it is almost unbelievable how alone one can feel at times in a city full of so many people.

The excerpt above moved me immediately upon reading it. In the past couple years, being alone has been a constant in my personal life – that’s just normal when you’re a single gal. One can only spend so much time with friends & family or on dates, and the rest of the time belongs solely to you. I think this is a scary concept for many, especially so for those of us who crave connection and love being around people.

I haven’t talked much about the fresh start I received when my 4-year relationship ended. To be honest, it’s just that I don’t think of that time in my life much at all anymore – it is in the past and I’ve grown from the life experience. At the time, although I had been feeling emotionally alone for many months, I still was rarely physically alone and that was the hardest adjustment (second to missing my dog).

I am one of those crazy extroverts (Aries ENFJ, for those of you who don’t know me) – I value my personal time but I prefer to prioritize spending time with others. I love connecting with people and sharing ideas, and hate the thought of idling too much. I frequently mix worlds and spend “me” time with others (e.g. reading a book while at a coffee shop, de-stressing at yoga in a room full of people, etc.). So, after a long day at work, you’d be more likely to find me catching up with a friend over cocktails or at a yoga class rather than coming home and watching 4 hours of TV. We do only get one life, after all.

After adjusting to “life alone” and embracing my new worldview, I’ve learned so much that is embodied in the excerpt above. I consider it cleansing to eat dinner by yourself on occasion, and I think it’s a life skill that each of us should learn to enjoy. I would argue that a personal date night is as important as girls/guys night – not just to treat yourself but also to take the opportunity to do something purely because you want to, without even considering it a non-option because you can’t find someone to go with. I believe that life inspiration happens even in the most subtle of moments, and to always go with your gut.

I do not believe in living life for anyone but yourself. It is only when you truly know yourself and how to best care for yourself that you can make choices that lead you to genuine happiness and fulfillment in life. Once we learn this and live it, we can better care for others in our lives. This may sound selfish at first, but I actually consider it to be more selfless if the utmost intention is to live to the fullest and love others.

The idea of being alone isn’t inherently fun. I would argue that the process of embracing being alone is one of the hardest things I’ve been through recently. Ask me if I’d take any of it back? The answer is an absolute no – I’m a better person, daughter, friend, and lover. I continue to learn more about myself every day, which helps me in even the most challenging situations.

Today, we should all do something for ourselves, by ourselves. Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most – go for a walk, make yourself dinner (or take yourself out!), go to that new store to shop, read a book, have a glass of wine, visit a museum, ride your bike, the possibilities are endless!

Be alone, and don’t be afraid to enjoy it J

Being Buddha

“In the end, only three things matter:

how much you loved,
how gently you lived,

and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

I have been trying to “be my own Buddha” but life has been making it quite the challenge! Taking a step back to realize how lucky we are to wake up and take a breath certainly isn’t always the first thought into our heads each morning.

When I reflect back on these situations that have stressed me out in the past few weeks, I realize that I’m fortunate to be fulfilling my daily needs in a city where many cannot do this for themselves and their families.

In the past few weeks, I have been trying to live this quote.

I have loved. I have let go of my inhibitions and I’ve been uplifted and rejected. Life goes on. No dwelling. You can’t change people, and have to let them go if they don’t treat you right. Moving on isn’t easy, but virtually nothing in life is comfortable. Whether friends or loved ones, sometimes letting go is the best way to reflect on what you want out of that role in your life. Onward and Upward! Be Buddha and let yourself love.

I have lived. Not always gently these past few weeks – turns out channeling grace under pressure is no joke. Lost luggage, delayed flights, inability to sleep, visits to urgent care, almost all out of my own control. Just keep on living, accepting, and helping with what you do have the power to control and let the rest go. Don’t forget to be kind to others, and take opportunities to “pay it forward” (these times present themselves more often than you think). Be Buddha and let yourself live.

I have struggled with letting go of things not meant for me, but am making strides. To my mother’s dismay, patience is a virtue that I’ve always lacked. I’m a firey spirit with big dreams, hopes, and ambitions coupled with being a complete product of my insta-generation – I want them all now. I’ve let go of a few personal situations, but as I sit here writing this I am impatiently awaiting an answer to another one of life’s situations.

I am writing this post to remind myself that good things come in time, nothing that’s ever “worth it” is easy, a watched pot never boils, et al. I tell myself to be thankful for what I’ve been blessed with today - It’s okay to dream for tomorrow, but not to the point where I am missing the beauty of the current day and all its moments. It’s a daily challenge for me, but I find comfort in the fact that this makes me human and knowing that many of you have the same struggles.

Friends, be Buddha…and always remember to breathe.


(and for you fact checkers, I'm aware of this and just ask you to relax and enjoy the post!)

American Girl

Raised on promises. Can’t help but think that there are lots of places to run to…

I’m spending the week working in San Francisco, and I’m getting antsy. I haven’t even had much of a chance to explore, but I’ll be leaving a piece of my heart in this city – so charming, so easy, so free. My bubble of life here has been incredibly chill despite dealing with the terror of lost luggage for a day, and that’s a large hurdle to overcome.

They say that you know when you need to get out of New York City. For me, that time was now. So many highs and lows in the past two weeks! Almost too much for a girl to bear, but I will tread onward and upward. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness are never easy but those small pockets of pure joy they bring are certainly worth the struggle.

In a way, recognizing that desire to flee NYC brings me closer to my new city. We know each other more intimately now, and can accept and act on that need to spend time apart. That being said, I can’t lie and say that I’m not questioning myself a bit in a city like this. I can see myself here - palm trees and the ocean have always soothed my soul, and the west coast has welcomed me with open arms.

Where do I belong? I’m not sure if I’ll ever know, and I think I’m okay with this being a life-long rhetorical question. I’d move anywhere for the right person, the right job, or the right reason and I truly believe that I’m a citizen of the world.

“Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst, and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it and it flows through me like rain and I can feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid, little life.”

I remind myself that these questions are normal. They are totally healthy and a necessity for one who wishes to live each day to the fullest – if we don’t ask them, how will we make the most of tomorrow?

Travel far and travel often. Explore. Adventure. Smile. Talk to strangers. Live it up because we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And, ask yourself the hard questions – I hear they will lead you to your perfect future.

…take it easy, babe – it’s a great big world, and it’s all yours.

Get Grounded.

No matter how crazy your day/week/life is getting, it will improve.

This week my horoscope read that I have “had my hands in more pots than a celebrity chef lately” – incredibly prophetic considering this week’s late nights & long meetings at work, CPA studying, surprise back pain, insomnia, homesickness, and a few important phone calls were all set to end with 8 days of travel.

I have rarely in my life had such a stressful week, but it was ending on a plane and that was something to be thankful for.

Two places exist off my yoga mat that can instantly improve my mood, center my state of mind, and feed my soul – an airplane & the beach. Without fail, as long as I’m not exhausted and sleeping, each time I board an airplane, I get giddy for that takeoff feeling (my favorite part, since age 5). I am fortunate to have discovered a love for air travel at an early age, and I look forward to it almost as much as my destination each trip because I know that a stroke of productivity or personal genius is eminent.

Often my airplane ideas are lofty goals, to do lists, or skeletons of business plans. For some reason, I am at my personal best in thought at 30,000 feet in the air. Call me crazy, nerdy, or complex but I wouldn’t give it up – especially not after a week like this past one.

Precisely what I needed to end the week was a 5 hour flight to clear my head, re-energize my goals, own the junk in my life, and get back on track to living my life exactly how I’d like it. On the flight I worked a little, immersed myself in fall fashion magazines, sipped on coconut water…and made my 2015 bucket/goals/resolutions list.

I am ahead of the game, feeling inspired, and my mom was waiting for me at baggage claim with a bear hug. How could my week have possibly ended any better?!

I am blessed and thankful. Hope you had a phenomenal weekend as well! 

The City is my...Man Friend??

"If you can only have one great love, then the city just may be mine. And I don't want nobody talkin' shit about my boyfriend." 

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Ahh, dating! That delicate balance of extreme highs, lows, vulnerability, elusiveness, and confusion with which I have a love-hate relationship. 

Based on this assessment and my general experiences living here over the past six weeks, I am dating NYC. We are still grabbing drinks, “feeling each other out” and trying to decide if we may be able to stand each other’s company for a year or so (the dating equivalent of a 2 hour dinner, which is apparently a milestone here in NYC dating life).

So, at this point, the city is what my girlfriends would call my “man friend” – not quite boyfriend status because I haven’t figured out if or how I think he fits into my life yet.

As cities go, I’ve fallen in love before. First I fell in love with what I knew of Phoenix as a child visiting family. Then I fell in love with Chicago over seven years ago and can’t exactly explain to you why I didn’t actually choose to move there this year. And I fell in love with Cleveland slowly yet all at once, as it took me almost all of my adult life to realize how amazing it truly was. That being said, I’m not sure I belong there anymore.

I’m also not convinced that I belong here forever. It’s hard to decipher these matters of the heart. I’m not settling down yet, but when I do I want it to be in a city that has great parks and bikesharing for my active spirit, one that is big enough to support good public transportation (sorry CLE), has water views, boasts a great yoga presence, pleases my foodie palate with walkable celebrity chef restaurants & local markets, one whose residents eat/sleep/breathe its sports teams, and ultimately one where I feel at home enough to want to raise a family there and never leave.

Uncharacteristically, I have decided to give NYC an ultimatum of one year to dazzle me in dating (but since he’s my “man friend,” he doesn’t exactly know this). One year of exploring, adventuring, and getting to know the heart of this city while he shows me the delicate depths of his soul in those rare but spectacular moments of discovery.

If he isn’t for me, I’ve certainly learned that it’s not worth sticking around to force it and I refuse to do so. So, get ready for plenty of NYC bucket list-worthy experiences from now to June 2015.

And for now while I feel this thing out and decide if NYC is my one great love, I don't want nobody talkin' shit about my “man friend” until I make that decision for myself. 

"Let us feed you."

I am homesick.

Never before have 4 words struck me and comforted me like they did today, so I wanted to take a minute to share the moment with you along with a little background as to why I was so touched.

It’s my second month in NYC. I’ll leave out the gritty details in an effort not to bore you, and I will just summarize life right now as “I have a lot going on.” I miss my family, my dear friends & their families, and I will say that it is hardest when I am having fun here and wishing I could share it with you all in person.

Last weekend was nothing short of amazing and relaxing for me, and the week that followed was not much short of pure hellacious stress (including a very hungover Friday due to an aggressive work function involving wine). I also injured my back in yoga and I hadn’t been as active as usual. Basically, I was arguably more ready for the weekend than anyone in Manhattan.

I was also sick of complaining to myself and wallowing all week. I’m an optimist and a full believer in life’s truth that we all make our own happiness and shouldn’t rely on anyone else to create it for us. I decided that Saturday would be my day and that I would take back my week by doing everything I want today.

For those of you who are getting to know me, my perfect Saturday is a well-rested day that involves a majority of the following, plus anything else fun:

- morning long run and/or yoga class

- breakfast & coffee (preferably on a porch, terrace, or patio)

- trip to the farmers’ market (involving more coffee)

- something girly (shopping, reading a magazine, doing my nails, buying flowers, etc.)

- quality time with friends, family, and/or my significant other

- cooking something (typically from the farmers’ market)

- wine (the most obvious weekend necessity)

I had not yet been to one of NYC’s greenmarkets so I resolved that this would be the day. It was a little rainy, but I headed out to explore at Union Square. I was in a sea of heirloom tomatoes, root vegetables, fresh flowers, local proteins, fresh herbs, and simply in my happy place. I love wandering a farmers’ market to take in the atmosphere and feel the passion that brings the offerings. I am usually excited, overwhelmed, and indecisive as to what to buy, and today was absolutely no exception.

I was drawn to Berried Treasures Farm’s stall for some beautiful cherry tomatoes that were unexpectedly inexpensive. The sign urged us to taste a tomato, which I know now is Franca Tantillo’s passion – this article quotes her as follows, “I just want you to taste one," she implores her customers. "That's my big thing. I want everybody to taste everything. Tasting is believing." 

As I was checking out with my tomatoes, she asked me if my flowers were Dahlias. I explained that they were, and that they were one of my favorites. She mentioned that the local crop hadn’t been great due to the rain this year, and in that single comment I better appreciated my flowers and understood her pure passion for her work. I casually mentioned that I felt deserving of them today to brighten my apartment as I had just moved here, and thanked her for the tomatoes.

As I walked away she called me back over – asking me if I was homesick while she grabbed a bag, she said “let’s get you some beans” and began to stuff haricots, favas, and wax beans into a bag for me. I was in mild shock at her kindness while simultaneously wondering how I could show my appreciation. She handed me the bag – due to emotion I can’t recall her exact words before the last four. She welcomed me to the city, understood my homesickness, and simply said, “Let us feed you.”

One moment. One exchange. One act of kindness to a stranger. This is yet one more example of how NYC can feel like home in such a vast space as Union Square. All the homesickness I'm experiencing and the stress of the week became insignificant to me - this was more than I needed to turn my day around and put things into perspective.

So please drop everything you think you know about NYC and its people. I am forming my own perceptions of New Yorkers on a daily basis as I become one, and I can tell you that countless cab drivers, baristas, and strangers on the subway have proven to break every single stereotype I’ve ever heard.

I look forward to frequenting the greenmarket to visit Franca, and especially to returning her kindness someday with an offering from my home. Be open, be kind, eat local, and never underestimate the impact of simple kindness on a person’s day or life.

Offerings from Berried Treasures