Escape

At its root, I believe that escape is perfectly healthy. Life pulls us in so many directions that it can be hard to gain full perspective and direction without stepping out of ourselves every once in a while to rebalance. Is seeking this release really such a bad thing? The word itself is defined as “breaking free from confinement or control” and who really wants to be controlled 100% of the time? (none of us)

How do you escape? I take no exception to chasing solitude, new projects, emotion, jet setting, comfort of loved ones, exercise, adventure, or the occasional weeklong bender – to me, being human is to crave these necessary retreats.

About a year ago I experienced a similar feeling, and wrote about it in this post:

“They say that you know when you need to get out of New York City. For me, that time was now. So many highs and lows in the past two weeks! Almost too much for a girl to bear, but I will tread onward and upward. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness are never easy but those small pockets of pure joy they bring are certainly worth the struggle.

In a way, recognizing that desire to flee NYC brings me closer to my new city. We know each other more intimately now, and can accept and act on that need to spend time apart.”


I’ve experienced this feeling for the second time now, and I chose to escape. I felt the need to exit, and was on a plane less than 48 hours later. I have never been more excited to come home to the city as I was after that trip, and it was such a wonderful feeling to know that I knew exactly how to take care of myself. The funny thing about being a year older and wiser is that you’ve lived and learned. It’s comforting to know that, even when we feel that our world has become cloudy, our brain and our heart can work together to take us to exactly where we need to be.

I feel liberated and fresh, and with no guilt surrounding my choices. In fact, I’m escaping again in a couple weeks and I couldn’t be more excited! If we know we’ll need it, why not build it in?

Take care of yourself first, and the details will fall into place.

Not Meant for Me.

“Grace under pressure” is one of my favorite life mantras (thanks, Hemingway). 

It is so applicable to many of life’s interactions and I typically don’t choose to reserve it solely for situations of extreme stress. This week I avoided remembering my mantra in a time of need. Tsk tsk – it took me a few days to finally make peace with it but I'm still left wanting my wasted energy back. Ahh, being human.

Tuesday.

7am, getting ready. Checked NYRR site, it says they’ll charge my card before it shows up in my account. Will be notified by 11:59. That’s noon, right? NYRR account notes I’m still in the drawing, no decision. Checked banking, money still there.

9am, at work. Not sure how I made it two hours but time to check again. Still in drawing, money still in bank.

9:30am, maybe now? Still in drawing, money still in bank.

10am, finished a task, time to look. Still in drawing, money still in bank.

11am, NO CHANGE! Still in drawing, money still in bank. :::sigh:::

12:30pm, Nope.

Lather, rinse, repeat at LEAST 10 more times until I give up and stop checking. I finish my work day and head to dinner. Distracted and feeling under the weather that eve, I climb into bed to relax and open my computer.

7:48pm, there it is – the ominously titled email “Your 2015 TCS New York City Marathon Status.”

I didn’t get in. No luck for me in the lottery this year. Again. Strike two. It appears that I’m still on track to run the boroughs in 2017.

When I look at this list I just see ENERGY. I was checking two websites at a time, almost hourly. I’m left wishing that I would have exercised a bit more perspective and spent less time chasing this dream that day. So many other dreams to chase!

When I want something, I throw myself into it. The idea of running this race is very clearly inspiring and meaningful to me but this particular display of energy/excitement/anticipation could have been channeled into something else equally as motivating.

Grace under pressure wouldn’t have wasted her day checking websites for news she had no control over. She would have been entirely too busy making moves in pursuit of her other goals and life passions. When her email came, she wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. She would have called upon that true Cleveland sports fan spirit (“there’s always next year”) to move on to the next order of the day. She would have embraced the fake Buddha quote that you already know I love and realized it wasn't meant for her, not this time. 

I must not forget to be Grace.

And, considering the adventures I have on deck for this year and next, waiting until 2017 sounds just fine to me ;)

Wild.

“Now, I understand” – these words frame my life as I continue to (try to) be present in each day and learn more about myself. Nothing quite compares to the acceptance that your life has become something you’ve never dreamed of, and the concurrent realization that you can no longer imagine it any other way. To me that has been equally frightening and fulfilling.

The past year has been a whirlwind of experience, epiphany, emotion…and fun! 

I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I have always enjoyed spending time alone, whether it be relaxing, traveling, exploring, curling up in a good book, catching some rays, perusing the farmers market, appreciating a great cup of coffee, taking photos, running the park. The list is endless.

But alas, I’m a walking oxymoron. I also crave human connection with friends, lovers, strangers. Exchanging stories, smiles, laughs. Sharing intimacy, jokes, hopes, and dreams. Planning trips, and taking unplanned trips. Just living.

I have to embrace it.

I am wild.

There are times that I need to be free.

The thought of “settling down” has become a foreign concept to me.

I need the open option to drop everything and do something outlandish for the sake of living.

So, I will give in to my wild. I will drink it in, and let it work for my life. 

My personal commandments:

I will express gratitude.

I must remind those that I love how much they mean to me more often.

I crave the sea and I shall not keep myself from it.

I will seek new learning experiences daily.

I must allow my yoga practice to transform my body and open my mind.

I will open my heart to new experiences, and guard it just enough.

It’s not a craving to continuously accomplish the next best thing, or to seek a cheap or unattainable thrill. There is no comparison in my wildness to create those ideals, merely the pleasure in living with joy, loving fully, and never ceasing to explore. These concepts I can stand by – it’s about time I stopped wasting energy wondering why I can’t settle down. This is me.

Wild. Fearless. Ready.

me, wild and free in paradise (Koh Chang, Thailand 2006)

“I had diverged, digressed, wandered, and become wild. I didn’t embrace the word as my new name because it defined negative aspects of my circumstances or life, but because even in my darkest days— those very days in which I was naming myself— I saw the power of the darkness. Saw that, in fact, I had strayed and that I was a stray and that from the wild places my straying had brought me, I knew things I couldn’t have known before.”  -Cheryl Strayed

FOMO

I’m sitting in my hotel room in (surprisingly) non-snowy Ohio…jealous. That ugly green monster crept up and I’m feeling a bit of New York FOMO from afar.

This past weekend I was having a whiskey-induced conversation about how I feel more and more like a New Yorker every day, totally loving it, yet that I also feel a bit frustrated that many don’t consider me “real” yet because I haven’t lived in the city for a year. Me, impatient? Never…

A friend kindly mentioned that, in his humble opinion, your “true” New Yorker status wasn’t necessarily measured in years, but in crises.

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN MY CRISIS! Snowmageddon. Snowpocalypse. My first Nor'easter. The inevitable initiation that tests my grit as it unites me with the rest of the city in misery and glory. Also, I’d kind of love to make a snowman for the first time in decades and enjoy the freedom of a snow day.

But I’m not home. I’m away for the work week, left to deal with this envy alone. Here I am, comparing myself to others – didn’t I just write about NOT doing that?! Yeah, I’m totally human. How easy it is for us to trick ourselves with these things called emotions!

I would never claim patience to be one of my best qualities. I like to think that most of my joie de vivre embodies an inherent sense of urgency and a desire to enjoy each day as it comes.  In this case, I’m glad that I’m a bit jealous right now.

This envy is reminding me to slow down and wait for my turn, and it’s unapologetically forcing me to deal with the fact that today is not my New York day.

It’s so easy to envision things in life exactly how we would like them to play out, and to set that expectation. But it certainly teaches us a lot more when we have to wait for it all to happen on life’s terms (sometimes nothing like that picture in our heads!). Good things come to those who wait…and I will wait, albeit not always patiently.

Times like these teach (if we listen). Stay warm and safe, everyone! And for my own selfish enjoyment, someone please at least make a snow angel for me ;)

Compared to What?

Back in college my favorite Finance professor incessantly asked us these three words as we responded to his problems and questions in class:

 “Compared to what?”

Each time this question was equally shocking yet expected when it touched my ear. I knew it was coming, but it still gave my brain that extra jolt and jitter without fail.


As a late-20-something, I think of these three words ALL OF THE TIME. In a city of so many people/endless options/constant stimulation I've discovered that they help to bring me back down to earth when my head is in the clouds.


We live in a world of comparison and I’ll admit that I am only human – I have these thoughts just like the rest of us. You know what I’m talking about. They begin with hearing others’ achievements, reading articles, watching TV, and simply observing in the world. Then they demonize and slide around in your mind whispering artificial timelines, negative self-talk, and unauthentic aspirations. These demons are personal, professional, and societal and they will drag us down if we let them.

- 27 is the peak running age for females

- Normal people get married by their thirties

- You need to bring home a certain salary by a certain age

- 14 is the optimal age by which to have learned a second language

- Single life is unfulfilling

- Women can’t possibly do (insert word/job title/task here)

If I even consider these thoughts as they relate to my own life, I completely fail them all. But compared to what? Are these even things that I want for myself at this point in time? And who else’s life would I even compare mine against? To my demons, I say:

- I don’t care if I’m 70 at the time – I will run Boston someday and THAT will be my peak running age

- I also don’t care what your version of “normal” is, - I haven’t met the right person and I love myself enough to decide not to marry the wrong one

- I am more concerned with the quality of life my job offers – the money will come someday if I am truly passionate about my work

- It’s too bad that I’m “old” by your standards – It's never too late by my own standards. I will become fluent in multiple languages in my lifetime and I am dedicated to putting the time in to achieve this

- I don’t consider myself to have an unfulfilled life or perspective. In fact, being single has propelled me to experience many life-altering dating epiphanies over the past year that have helped me to feel wiser and MORE fulfilled

- I can do anything I set my mind to, absent of gender (except bench more than my weight– that’s a no go)

Negativity and comparison creep in like fog covering the ground of our minds. Thankfully, all we need is a little mindfulness, reflection, and a change in perspective. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the death of joy.” I choose joy. I know what I want and that, even if I don’t know when I want it, I can trust that things will fall into place with some hard work and a little faith.

So next time you find yourself angry or upset by one such demon, ask yourself the three magic words that Mario gifted to me. Choose joy. Change your frame of reference and remind yourself that you are a beautiful soul without anyone’s constraints (even your own). You are always enough, and you do not need anyone else’s version of your life story fogging up those rose-colored glasses!!!

How Do You Know?

(As you all know) I enjoy talking about my love for NYC. Since I first announced my plans to migrate, almost every person I’ve engaged with has asked me to evaluate my move within our conversation.

Initially most close friends and relatives were not surprised. They knew of my love affair with the city, and most of them guessed that I would easily adapt to such a vibrant, bustling place because many had lovingly dubbed me as “the busiest person they know.” But naturally, the question arose:

 “How do you know that this is the right move for you? Are you scared? Won’t you miss home?”

To be honest, the only thing that kept me from overanalyzing the nagging fear of making a crazy decision was the ridiculous amount of preparation required to make the move actually happen. Just Google “apartment hunting in NYC” and you may get a slight idea of the process. You’re damn right I was scared! I was going all in on a gut feeling – transferring to a new office to live with two roommates in a city where I had no friends, a fear of the dating pool, and no yoga home or running buddies. Essentially, this place was devoid of all things comfortable for me despite all the things about it that I already enjoyed.

At the time, I didn’t know if it was the right move. I was taking a risk, waiting for my next hand to be dealt. I believe in living with intention, so I took a chance.

While on trial, Socrates expressed that “the life which is unexamined is not worth living.” I wholeheartedly agree. Forgive me if it’s harsh to share this, but I believe that it’s pure cowardice to believe in things just as they are in life, as if you have no personal control over the outcome of tomorrow. Thanks to Ayn Rand, my strong and amazing mother, and my insatiable appetite for independence and adventure, I have learned in life that nobody else in this world will bring me success and happiness, and that I am in pure control of (most) outcomes of my actions.

With great power comes great responsibility! At times it can be hard to turn our attention inward. Personally, I love making others happy and caring for loved ones and cherished friends. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that it’s okay to be our own caregivers, and that it’s more healthy than selfish.

New York has not only loved me back, but it has reminded me that the best relationships flourish when we take the time to check in with ourselves. Each of us needs to reflect and realign so that we can bring our best to the world, and New York unapologetically asks me to do so on a daily basis.

So, after almost 5 months in my new home, how do I know?

I just do. You see, it’s not a monumental thing – I don’t feel stronger or prettier or smarter. I just feel genuinely happy (in a way that words cannot express). This city has demonstrated itself as a perfect fit for my current hopes/goals/dreams, and without hesitation I can say that my life is right where it’s supposed to be at this moment.

There is no “how” to knowing this, it’s just something that your heart knows to be true. Suffice it to say I’m genuinely in love with my life for the first time in years, and to me that is more than enough proof.

An Open Love Letter

My dearest New York,

You are the big apple of my eye. From the moment we met, I knew you were going to be very important to me. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I must admit that spending so much time away from you recently has me longing for you like a drunk girl craves late night pizza slices or bodega sandwiches.

You are sweeter than the frosting of a Magnolia cupcake. When we are together, it feels more magical than a subway platform serenade. In all aspects, you truly bring the best of both worlds to our relationship, just like a black & white cookie. I ate one today and shed a tear because it just didn’t taste the same without you (yes, they exist outside of NYC).

I miss our walks through Central Park during “puppy hour,” and the ease at which we avoid Times Square when we are together. You bring out the best in me, and I am forever excited for our adventures and new experiences to come.

No combination of subway transfers, cockroaches, pigeons, or large rodents could keep my love for you at bay. I would climb 500 subway stairs, and then I would climb 500 more just to be with you right now. You are worth every extra penny because you are better than all of the others – there truly is no competition.

I can’t wait to see you next weekend.

With love and longing,

Your only Liz