The Final Puzzle Piece

Eyes closed, body swaying, melody flowing ear to ear...it all clicked. 

In that moment I realized the very thing that had been missing. Just as I had done so many times before, I opened my eyes at the concert. This time, with a glimmering new awareness.

I don't think the artist even made a difference. Nor the breathtakingly beautiful venue. It wouldn't have mattered much what kind of day I had earlier. The catalyst was the pure reconnection to one of my primal needs that had been laying dormant, dissatisfied, and overgrown for far too long.

Music has been a large part of my life from a young age.
I can still recall the anticipation of playing fur elise on the piano from memory, hands dancing on the keys and heart hanging onto the hope that I wouldn't mistouch a key and ruin the chords.

When I see a ring box, I'm taken back to my 16th birthday. Opening the box so slowly, just knowing it held a secret. The rush of excitement when I saw the guitar picks hiding within, and a feeling of relief when I held my Ibanez for the first time. The sorrow I felt when I realized that, despite my determination, I was not cut out to play. That was indeed my first real breakup, and it was painful.

High school years filled with tours, basement concerts, and my best friends serenading each other into the endless hours of the night.

That simple feeling of enjoying the present moment when you close your eyes at a show and know that this is the only time the concert will ever occur on that day, at that venue, with that crowd - each one unrepeatable in its essence. 

Or the comfortable ability to spend time with someone, no words necessary, just an album humming in the background,

Just as I had done so many times before, I opened my eyes at the concert. I felt a rush of simultaneous sadness and relief. Sadness that I had lost touch with myself in such an elementary way, but relief to have realized it.

Ahh, life. It endlessly overcomplicates itself if we allow it to. In reality it's so easy to go back to basics and find the simple joy of living - if we allow ourselves. Cheers to music for being a constant in my life, even in the years that I've failed to recognize it.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to basics - you can find me in my Chucks dancing around my living room to something that moves me <3

On Saying Goodbye

For me, this is never easy. I cling to every last second of a goodbye as if the finality will crush me. Perhaps that's a flaw, the eternal lover's demise. Whether it's a person, a place, or a perspective, I am just plain terrible at goodbye. 

As we leave Denver tonight, I can't help but wonder what is behind my emotion. Leaving this city and its wondrous mountains pains me more each time, but is it more concerning that I haven't missed My New York in weeks? Perhaps further so that I've found myself in this middle state of what-was and what-will-be?

I sigh out anticipation, preparing for my transition out of this sacred place. In the distance, a firework bursts and glimmers to fade out slowly enough that I crack a smile and think fondly back on my weekend.

Goodbyes are never easy, but at least I find comfort in knowing where my heart lies. I gaze out the window knowing that, if it's meant to be, it will be. I know nothing to be truer than this. 

My Art

I recently met a stranger in my travels. We had a lovely conversation about life, love, goals, and good things. We encouraged each other, silently acknowledging the beauty of the connection for a few life moments, and then we went our separate ways. Four words she shared have stuck with me:

"You are so creative!" she exclaimed in our discussion of hopeful future achievements. 

Creative. Weeks later, I still cannot recall the last time someone described me with this word and that thought stings. I went within, thinking deeply into why it affected me so much and why I felt such sadness in the realization of the void. 

The truth is, I think I am vibrantly creative. I am an artist in many ways - an artist who apparently has a confidence problem with her art and needs a little affirmation. How human of me!

And how silly that I haven't recognized the ongoing love and support I receive from friends and family. This support isn't specific because it doesn't need to be. The true problem is that need to get out of my own head.

Sometimes it's nice to hear these things from each other. I want you to know that I love and support you in all areas of life in which you need a confidence boost or a few words of encouragement! 

Stay tuned for the next addition of my art, coming to you in the medium of a yoga class - a carefully crafted sequence of fun and challenging movement, set to the tune of an equally inspired playlist. I'm excited to begin teaching in the new year, and I look forward to connecting next and hearing more about your art as well!

And stay creative, friends ;)

Escape

At its root, I believe that escape is perfectly healthy. Life pulls us in so many directions that it can be hard to gain full perspective and direction without stepping out of ourselves every once in a while to rebalance. Is seeking this release really such a bad thing? The word itself is defined as “breaking free from confinement or control” and who really wants to be controlled 100% of the time? (none of us)

How do you escape? I take no exception to chasing solitude, new projects, emotion, jet setting, comfort of loved ones, exercise, adventure, or the occasional weeklong bender – to me, being human is to crave these necessary retreats.

About a year ago I experienced a similar feeling, and wrote about it in this post:

“They say that you know when you need to get out of New York City. For me, that time was now. So many highs and lows in the past two weeks! Almost too much for a girl to bear, but I will tread onward and upward. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness are never easy but those small pockets of pure joy they bring are certainly worth the struggle.

In a way, recognizing that desire to flee NYC brings me closer to my new city. We know each other more intimately now, and can accept and act on that need to spend time apart.”


I’ve experienced this feeling for the second time now, and I chose to escape. I felt the need to exit, and was on a plane less than 48 hours later. I have never been more excited to come home to the city as I was after that trip, and it was such a wonderful feeling to know that I knew exactly how to take care of myself. The funny thing about being a year older and wiser is that you’ve lived and learned. It’s comforting to know that, even when we feel that our world has become cloudy, our brain and our heart can work together to take us to exactly where we need to be.

I feel liberated and fresh, and with no guilt surrounding my choices. In fact, I’m escaping again in a couple weeks and I couldn’t be more excited! If we know we’ll need it, why not build it in?

Take care of yourself first, and the details will fall into place.

Not Meant for Me.

“Grace under pressure” is one of my favorite life mantras (thanks, Hemingway). 

It is so applicable to many of life’s interactions and I typically don’t choose to reserve it solely for situations of extreme stress. This week I avoided remembering my mantra in a time of need. Tsk tsk – it took me a few days to finally make peace with it but I'm still left wanting my wasted energy back. Ahh, being human.

Tuesday.

7am, getting ready. Checked NYRR site, it says they’ll charge my card before it shows up in my account. Will be notified by 11:59. That’s noon, right? NYRR account notes I’m still in the drawing, no decision. Checked banking, money still there.

9am, at work. Not sure how I made it two hours but time to check again. Still in drawing, money still in bank.

9:30am, maybe now? Still in drawing, money still in bank.

10am, finished a task, time to look. Still in drawing, money still in bank.

11am, NO CHANGE! Still in drawing, money still in bank. :::sigh:::

12:30pm, Nope.

Lather, rinse, repeat at LEAST 10 more times until I give up and stop checking. I finish my work day and head to dinner. Distracted and feeling under the weather that eve, I climb into bed to relax and open my computer.

7:48pm, there it is – the ominously titled email “Your 2015 TCS New York City Marathon Status.”

I didn’t get in. No luck for me in the lottery this year. Again. Strike two. It appears that I’m still on track to run the boroughs in 2017.

When I look at this list I just see ENERGY. I was checking two websites at a time, almost hourly. I’m left wishing that I would have exercised a bit more perspective and spent less time chasing this dream that day. So many other dreams to chase!

When I want something, I throw myself into it. The idea of running this race is very clearly inspiring and meaningful to me but this particular display of energy/excitement/anticipation could have been channeled into something else equally as motivating.

Grace under pressure wouldn’t have wasted her day checking websites for news she had no control over. She would have been entirely too busy making moves in pursuit of her other goals and life passions. When her email came, she wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. She would have called upon that true Cleveland sports fan spirit (“there’s always next year”) to move on to the next order of the day. She would have embraced the fake Buddha quote that you already know I love and realized it wasn't meant for her, not this time. 

I must not forget to be Grace.

And, considering the adventures I have on deck for this year and next, waiting until 2017 sounds just fine to me ;)

Wild.

“Now, I understand” – these words frame my life as I continue to (try to) be present in each day and learn more about myself. Nothing quite compares to the acceptance that your life has become something you’ve never dreamed of, and the concurrent realization that you can no longer imagine it any other way. To me that has been equally frightening and fulfilling.

The past year has been a whirlwind of experience, epiphany, emotion…and fun! 

I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I have always enjoyed spending time alone, whether it be relaxing, traveling, exploring, curling up in a good book, catching some rays, perusing the farmers market, appreciating a great cup of coffee, taking photos, running the park. The list is endless.

But alas, I’m a walking oxymoron. I also crave human connection with friends, lovers, strangers. Exchanging stories, smiles, laughs. Sharing intimacy, jokes, hopes, and dreams. Planning trips, and taking unplanned trips. Just living.

I have to embrace it.

I am wild.

There are times that I need to be free.

The thought of “settling down” has become a foreign concept to me.

I need the open option to drop everything and do something outlandish for the sake of living.

So, I will give in to my wild. I will drink it in, and let it work for my life. 

My personal commandments:

I will express gratitude.

I must remind those that I love how much they mean to me more often.

I crave the sea and I shall not keep myself from it.

I will seek new learning experiences daily.

I must allow my yoga practice to transform my body and open my mind.

I will open my heart to new experiences, and guard it just enough.

It’s not a craving to continuously accomplish the next best thing, or to seek a cheap or unattainable thrill. There is no comparison in my wildness to create those ideals, merely the pleasure in living with joy, loving fully, and never ceasing to explore. These concepts I can stand by – it’s about time I stopped wasting energy wondering why I can’t settle down. This is me.

Wild. Fearless. Ready.

me, wild and free in paradise (Koh Chang, Thailand 2006)

“I had diverged, digressed, wandered, and become wild. I didn’t embrace the word as my new name because it defined negative aspects of my circumstances or life, but because even in my darkest days— those very days in which I was naming myself— I saw the power of the darkness. Saw that, in fact, I had strayed and that I was a stray and that from the wild places my straying had brought me, I knew things I couldn’t have known before.”  -Cheryl Strayed

FOMO

I’m sitting in my hotel room in (surprisingly) non-snowy Ohio…jealous. That ugly green monster crept up and I’m feeling a bit of New York FOMO from afar.

This past weekend I was having a whiskey-induced conversation about how I feel more and more like a New Yorker every day, totally loving it, yet that I also feel a bit frustrated that many don’t consider me “real” yet because I haven’t lived in the city for a year. Me, impatient? Never…

A friend kindly mentioned that, in his humble opinion, your “true” New Yorker status wasn’t necessarily measured in years, but in crises.

THIS COULD HAVE BEEN MY CRISIS! Snowmageddon. Snowpocalypse. My first Nor'easter. The inevitable initiation that tests my grit as it unites me with the rest of the city in misery and glory. Also, I’d kind of love to make a snowman for the first time in decades and enjoy the freedom of a snow day.

But I’m not home. I’m away for the work week, left to deal with this envy alone. Here I am, comparing myself to others – didn’t I just write about NOT doing that?! Yeah, I’m totally human. How easy it is for us to trick ourselves with these things called emotions!

I would never claim patience to be one of my best qualities. I like to think that most of my joie de vivre embodies an inherent sense of urgency and a desire to enjoy each day as it comes.  In this case, I’m glad that I’m a bit jealous right now.

This envy is reminding me to slow down and wait for my turn, and it’s unapologetically forcing me to deal with the fact that today is not my New York day.

It’s so easy to envision things in life exactly how we would like them to play out, and to set that expectation. But it certainly teaches us a lot more when we have to wait for it all to happen on life’s terms (sometimes nothing like that picture in our heads!). Good things come to those who wait…and I will wait, albeit not always patiently.

Times like these teach (if we listen). Stay warm and safe, everyone! And for my own selfish enjoyment, someone please at least make a snow angel for me ;)